Rocking My World

No one else knows, but September is almost over and I don’t have a post on the books.  My mom let me know a couple of months ago I wouldn’t have enough to make a book this year.  At least someone is keeping track!  What she doesn’t know is that I have done a lot of “back posting” — another way to say it is that I have been cheating blogger.  I love that feature— wish Instagram had it— but then it wouldn’t be very “insta”, would it?  But it allows me to put things in LATER that I want in the family book.  It’s mostly been events or vacations — and really, THOSE are the things the kids enjoy.  All my words?!  Oh my gosh— nope, they get ENOUGH of those during the week.  Pictures.  That’s what they love seeing.  So here I am, with a day left in the month and determined to post SOMETHING in real time.

So what is “rocking my world”?  You know, I just gave it that label this week.  I know people have used that expression for a while but it’s really the best way I know how to describe this thing.  Last summer, I lost “my store” with the pharmacy I work for after nearly 20 years.  Not my job— just my store.  I don’t even think I’ve told Jeff this— too embarrassed at the time— but on the day I knew I wasn’t scheduled there again, I cried on my way out.  I mean, I don’t just LOVE my job.  I am grateful for it but my heart is at home.  However, I have been there almost EVERY week for the last 20 years.   I have seen babies born and go off to college.  I have seen more sweet elderly people die than I care to count— and seeing their spouse a week or two later is heart- wrenching.  So, I cried.  There wasn’t a big to do— which I am typically not a fan of— but somewhere in my sentimental spirit, I wanted someone to recognize it.  It was the very first store in the DFW metroplex and the corporate big wig {now retired in Trophy Club} and I opened it together.  The company flew 6 of us to Des Moines to train for a week so we could open the district here.  Ok, sniff, sniff — enough about that.  It’s been a year and I am so over it.

What I am NOT over is this—and this is what is rocking my world—  I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT EIGHT HOURS OR WHAT STORE I AM WORKING IN WEEK TO WEEK.  NO DAY TO DAY.  {I typed in bold and caps so you wouldn’t misunderstand me.}  Granted I only work 8 hours a week but it’s a chunk and I never know when it’s going to be extracted from my seven days.  So when I say “day to day”, I mean, I’ll be driving Julia to school at 8:20 and I will get a text on my phone offering a shift for the afternoon/evening.  Very rarely do I know the day before anymore.

Here are my conversations with people— “I’d LOVE to hand out Chik-Fil-A to the boys before their game Tuesday night but if I get called into work, I’ll have to bail.”  “I will do carpool on Monday and Wednesday but if I get a shift, I’ll need to switch it around.”  “I really want to come help with the coach’s surprise party after practice, but if I don’t show, it’s because I went to work.”  “I’ll see you Thursday at prayer unless I get a shift last minute.”  “Yes!  Let’s meet for coffee!  I’ll text you as soon as I know if I have to go into work.”  “I’ll be at your son’s football game Friday night if I don’t have to work.”  Don’t you want to be my friend?  Lame-O.  Seriously.  If reading those got on your nerves, I PROMISE you, speaking them day after day is like watching a used car salesman commercial 25 times.  Misery for me.

First, perspective.  I had a GREAT, predictable 20 year run.  I have a good job that pays well.  They have not fired me and I can still work 8 hours a week. {So far.} I do not have to get vacation approved.  Yes, I could look for a different job in pharmacy —- a few things that deter me— my retirement plan, learning a new computer system {can you say “lazy”?} and the pay is good where I am.  I am not looking at this point but maybe after several more months of this, I will.  Who knows?

I had no idea though, what this unknown 8 hour disappearing chunk would do to my thought processes.  I don’t feel I have one anymore- a thought process. I am a planner and I am not doing much planning. Until I get that shift, it’s like I am going hour by hour.  I absolutely LOVE a Monday shift because then I know the rest of the week is “stable”.  Pieces of it won’t go missing.  There are, of course, the non- negotiables for our family— what we will miss and what we won’t, and then there are times that are just too complicated for someone else to cover for me if Jeff isn’t available. So imagine a week ahead of you with stable pieces— things that you will NOT miss no matter what and then everything else is like driftwood floating on the surface waiting to be claimed.  I’d like to say I am getting used to it, but I am not.  However, I am figuring it out trying my best to make it work for my family.

To say the least, it’s been a year long exercise in flexibility— and that may be RIGHT where God wants me.  Oh— and also loss of control of my schedule.  The more I write, the clearer it’s all coming to me.  He totally has me right where He wants me. He is strengthening my weakest muscles— flexibility— and hindering me from exercising my ugliest strength— control.  All of a sudden this feels a lot different.  Father, help me to submit with humility and joy.