Sad Here

Finding it difficult to think of anything but the families close by and in Oklahoma whose lives have been changed forever in the matter of minutes by the horrific storms.  I read words from a blogger friend a couple of weeks ago and have found myself thinking of them often.  The tragedies she spoke of were referring to ones concocted by deranged humans but the words still apply to the power of God's created nature.  Be encouraged and challenged by what she writes here.  Thank you, P, for sharing your thoughts.

Baseball, Ballet........and Mother's Day

 As every Mother's Day weekend should be, our days were full of family, baseball, secrets, friends, ballet and food.  I had the privilege of my mom {and my daddy} being in town for Mother's Day.  They agreed to come even with no room to offer them in our home!  I promised good food and a taxi service {actually, a baseball game and a ballet recital} so they made the trip.

Daddy has had picture taken like this for what, like 40 years?  My brother played recreation ball and then in high school, Daddy's first grandson is still playing in college and this one is just getting started--even though now he declares that God made him for football.... and as of last week, golf, 10 seconds after he saw a son on the RiverCrest course with his dad.

I was snapping pictures beside his coach who quickly recognized that Brighton KNEW he was on camera.  He finally just yelled at him and told him to "Smile for Momma!"

Love me some baseball pants.

We had a great season playing with 6 boys from the same school-- not our school-- but they welcomed Brighton as though they had known him since Kindergarten.  Now B is ready to switch schools.........only until I told him they went a whole 5 days a week..... to which he said, "No, I'm good."

So do you recognized the kid smiling?  He's the same ham in the picture above--- the coach's son who evidently knows all about the camera.

Saturday were the ballet recitals-- one at 2 and one at 6:30.  Margo Dean School of Ballet performed The Wizard of Oz and Julia's class were Munchkins.

This sweet group of gals came to watch.  What a blessing friends are.

Mrs. Hartwell, her school teacher, made the trip in to watch the performance.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Wow, I know.

Again-- so blessed by friends and family

About 9pm on Saturday night, Brighton flipped out when he realized there was nothing for me FROM JUST HIM.  He wanted Jeff to take him somewhere RIGHT THEN.  Jeff got him up early Sunday morning and let B get a couple of things including the flowers above.  Here is the front of his card:

I was blessed with sweet cards, lovely flowers, many hugs and kisses, Blue Mesa brunch and a Mother's Day with my own mom.  Jeff, thank you for ALWAYS going above and beyond this day.  You place such great value on what God has called me to.  Thank you.

Thankful to celebrate this day but I also remember the days that I could not.  First thing Sunday morning, I thought of you, S and T.  I love you.  Always will.  More importantly, to you, I love Julia and Brighton with all I've got.  And I also thought of you ladies, who aren't mothers yet but so desperately want to be.  I pray God gives you the desires of your heart as you place your fragile hope in Him every moment.

Words for this Mother's Struggle {Thank you, Mr. Lewis.}

My friend Christe shared this on Facebook this morning-- and it organized my thoughts for me.

"God wants in us a child's heart, but a grown-up's head. He wants us to be simple, single-minded, affectionate, and teachable, as good children are; but He also wants every bit of intelligence we have to be alert at its job, and in first-class fighting trim." C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Write that one down somewhere.

This mother’s struggle--- to connect with my kids’ hearts in a way that speaks love to them while I use all that God has made me to be---  my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, my education, my past, the many lessons learned, what’s stored in my heart, my mind.....  I think eradicating some things that stem from list would be helpful, even making parenting easier but I trust that He redeems and uses it all as the picture of Julia and Brighton ~and even myself~ come to focus.

Simple.  I don’t want to have a complicated life and by that, I think I mean a complicated schedule.  And honestly, it doesn’t take much for me for the calendar to seem tricky.  Saturday morning, Julia asked me what time was ballet rehearsal.  I think I was mopping {my least favorite house chore} and I told her when I thought it was but I’d check in a bit.  I never thought of it again.  I went out shopping for Mother’s Day gifts.  Julia remembered at some point and Jeff got her there..... late.  Oh, I had a myriad of things on my mind and been thrown a couple a couple of curve balls that landed later in the day, but I was not accomplishing much.  I guess I just shut down.  I don’t want “complicated” to be a word my kids use to describe their childhood.  Nor rushed.  Nor busy.  I prefer simple.  A very short list.  All going in one car.  Nights free.  Time to be with each other.  I should ask my kids what “simple” means to them.

Single- minded.   This reminds me of simple but I think how wonderful it would be if when I was dealing with the bad behavior of one child, I could be completely focused on the heart of that one child.  Single- minded about how my words and reactions will affect them.  Single- minded about the life lesson that can be learned here.  Instead, my mind is branched out like limbs into categories like:  wasted time, how many times have we gone over this, this interrupts what I was doing, who is that text from I hear dinging and  I can’t forget to return that email.  Not. Single. Minded.  But what a challenge!  Focus on the child.  Block the rest out knowing that your focus on the child and his heart is never wasted time.

Affectionate.  If you’ve ever heard of Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, you know this is one of them.  This one is not in my top 3.  I live with 3 people that it’s either their #1 or #2.  If you are an affectionate person, then, this is not big deal.  If you aren’t, you get my “Are you serious?!?” response.  I had to breathe a sigh of relief when I read that Ann Voskamp put on her “Mom Manifesto” to touch each child as many times as she feeds them.  She has a lot of kids so that’s a lot of touching but it reminded me that this affection doesn’t come naturally for everyone.  She put it on a list!  Oh, but my kids EAT IT UP!!  I’ve been more aware just recently as they have expressed verbally their desire for it and they do just....... can’t think of a better word.... BLOOM..... flourish under my hugs, rubs on the back, kisses, or even just a ruffle of the hair.  Brighton let me know he’d like me to touch him every time I walked by him.  In our close quarters right now, I walk by him a zillion times a day.  I can try.  Affection.  It does their hearts good.

Teachable.  Can we just eat that word?  Would that work?  Serve it up for dinner?  This quality is HIGH on my list.  Might just tie for the #1 spot.  Great things can happen to teachable children..... and teachable parents.  I’ve tried to seize these younger years making sure their concrete is chock full of life building stuff.  As the structure goes up from the foundation, I want them to always be learning, always be a student--- to have that heart that KNOWS it has far to go, but confident enough to live out what they’ve already been taught.  And when they OWN the life building process, that being teachable would mark their lives.  Our kids are ever changing and so should our parenting be.  We learn from the Word, mentors, books but most importantly by studying our children.  No one should know them better than we do.

Alert.  I love that Mr. Lewis uses the word “alert”.  Maybe because it reminds me of passages of the Bible that warn us to be on the look out for the evil one-- the stealer, the killer, the destroyer.  It usually says, “Be alert and of sober mind!”
Definition:  quick to notice any unusual and potentially dangerous or difficult circumstances
Synonyms:  vigilant - nimble - watchful - agile - wary - wakeful
Great words to describe parents.  This job doesn’t end and there are no true breaks right now, nor should there be, really.  The enemy knows how exhausted we are and how we do want to just escape or shut it all off for a while.  Fight it.  With all you’ve got.  We can’t shield them from everything but we can know what’s happening {watchful} and be there with them to help them if they need us.  Being alert means we will be engaged-- not allowing ourselves to be blindsided.

Simple
Single-minded
Affectionate
Teachable
Alert

I don’t have to tell you that we don’t have them long. The concrete is drying. And the Lord is our Helper.

I am pressing on with you.

The Homestretch....Summer's Coming

This morning finds me, not at Panera with the anticipation of Maria’s mocha, but at the end of my dining room table surrounded by, well, not junk, but it looks pretty war torn-- as far as dining room tables go.  Magazine clippings, scraps of paper with musicians I want to download, paint swatches, Julia’s unfinished breakfast from the car, glue stick, stapler, scissors, loose papers with dates that need to be put in the computer, lists that need to be simplified, a site plot for the house, articles I want to read {Piper and Ali-- THANK YOU for sharing your story!}, the infamous to do list -- and sadly, no coffee yet.  I keep telling myself-- in a minute.  It won’t be created by Maria but the consolation?  It’s free.  Kind of.  So my mind is a bit like how my table looks.  Scattered-- and loose things everywhere.  Nothing nailed down.  Things that need to be settled, “framed”, but I can’t seem to do it.

I have confessed a few times, I don’t multi-task well.  I feel almost like I am admitting to some crime because the ability to M-T is so greatly valued in our world.  Like you, I am forced to, but I don’t like it.  For a few days, my brain has been going from one end of the “matter” spectrum to the other-- from exterior home colors to how can I make the most of the kid’s summer, from where in the world are the kid’s summer clothes to planning several significant talks/dates with Julia over the next few months, from which cabinetry can I do without to training and disciplining Brighton in a way that reaches his heart-- not just his behavior, from Charles Martin's new book coming out just in time for summer to my place at our new church.  Oh, and what’s for dinner?  Yes, and when is that date night with Jeff?  Only after we feel like we’ve had enough family time this week-- and when will that be because it’s baseball season and extra ballet rehearsals for my little munchkin in the Wizard of Oz?  And we want to finish school strong and that clever book we started after Christmas.  And I don’t want to lose touch with people because people are what make this life matter.  This list could go on and on but my niece, Hunter, comes to mind at the moment, ending her time of high school with significant weekends to finish out her month of May.  And I am a thousand miles away.

You feel it, too.  It’s the end of April......heading into the home stretch of May..... and into the summer months which we all feel will bring us the margin we need.  White spaces on the calendar.  Mornings to sleep in.  Time to read great books.  Dinner around the table-- all of us.  Hot days to make popsicles.  Time to ENJOY our kids.  But come August, we are all scratching our heads wondering where did the summer go?  Exactly the same place August through May goes.

Brighton is all about the schedule, time, beginnings and endings {Actually, thinking about eternity in heaven “creeps [him] out” -- and I know just the reason-- there is no “end” and that does not compute in his mind.  He does not get the point if there is no goal, no finish line.}  Well, my time guy has already asked enough questions this month to figure out how many days off from school he has in his near future.  88 days.

As I said I am not a multi-tasker, but I am a planner.  I’ve had enough summers with my kids now to know that all my grandiose ideas and all my good intentions go nowhere without a plan.  So that’s what I do now-- I will pick the 3 most important things to happen with the kids this summer and figure out a way to make those happen.  First, I begin by taking that 88 days and whittling it down to how many we will actually be at home without an agenda.  Subtract vacations, summer camps, VBS’s, out of town company.... and whoa, there are only a few weeks left without a serious schedule.    Knowing this helps me keep things do-able.

This will shock you, I know, but we always have reading incentives in the summer.  When the kids get out of school in a few weeks, I will take them to 2 or 3 places, like the library, Half Price Books, Barnes & Nobles, and have the employee explain the program to Julia and Brighton-- to issue the challenge. This seems to be more effective..... for one of my children.  Because Brighton is Brighton, I will offer the extra incentive to double the reward of the place of business. ex-- like if B&N offers a free book, I will purchase him a second one of his choosing or if HPB is offering a gift card, I will double it and he can spend it on whatever he chooses at HPB.  Julia, on the other end of the reading spectrum, is thrilled to be rewarded for doing something she loves.  I also set up a “bonus reading” chart.  I have them set a goal over the business’ programs and if they meet that goal, they end the summer with a special friend over to spend the night.  And just for fun, my kids still love picture books so I am committing to having new ones from the library all summer.  I will mostly choose non-fiction historical books but will certainly throw in some fictional fun.  A simple breakfast {muffins, bagels, fruit etc} on the couch with picture books is a favorite reading time for us.

Again, like the mess on my table, I have many more ideas floating around I am trying to choose from to nail down as my next 2 goals for the summer.  I am praying that He will show me what is most important.  I will have a personal goal for each child-- how I want to engage with them individually and I will talk to them about things they’d like to do or accomplish and go from there.  

As I think and pray through this for another 3-4 weeks, I’d love to hear some of your plans-- how you engage your kids in the summer, fun traditions, goals for your time with them.  I hope to let you know my plans as they come.



Sidenote 1 {I feel this whole post is a sidenote.}: The Anderson kids were with us last weekend and the oldest, Atlee, saw me swatting the fruit flies and told me that her mom, Nikki, had made this:

Of course she did.

A fruit fly trap----Just put a small piece of fruit at the bottom and some rolled up paper in the spout and somehow, they don't know how to get back out.

I am sure Nik’s was way cuter- as everything she owns is, but it works!  You probably have seen it on Pinterest, but in case you haven’t and in case you hate those pesky little flies, you should try it!

Sidenote 2:  As for the music I wanted to download-- if you care-- so far, I chose Christa Wells’ {BIG fan!!}  collaboration with Nicole Witt called “More Than Rubies” and JJ Heller’s new release “Loved”.  Wonderful gals, lovely lyrics.

And if you made it to here--  thanks for hanging with me.  I can’t believe I just wrote two pages from this discombobulated mind of mine....

And by the way, that is the first time I have ever typed “discombobulated”.

All done, but it made this mess in front of me MUCH more bearable.

Barren and Blessed

{I am celebrating adoption this morning at Gladney Adoption Agency’s 49th annual Blossoms in the Dust luncheon with some of my favorite people.  ~Thanks, Ali!~ Gladney announced their 30,000th placement this year!  Amazing.  Julia is a “Gladney baby” and Brighton was adopted through a private agency.  I will always be thankful for Gladney and the whole adoption process.}

The farther I get from those precious days when I was handed my sweet babies, the fact Julia and Brighton are indeed adopted slips my mind.  I have these passing thoughts of hereditary or genetic issues and then remember, oh, they have a whole other genetic make up!  I guess biological parents hear how much their children look like them, but I am still surprised how often we get it.  From complete strangers-- that make an effort to tell us.  It’s sweet, though not important, but it lends to my forgetting at times they weren’t born from my barren womb.  They grew in two selfless young women whose hearts had been turned by God to release the babe in their womb to waiting, prayerful parents.  I find it impossible to use our earthly language to express the depth of my gratefulness.  Maybe in heaven I will be able to put words to all that stirs in my heart when I think of those two women.

You’ve heard me say it before-- I PRAISE GOD for my barrenness.  I’ve written before all that God did in those years of waiting for Julia and I wouldn’t trade that time for ANYTHING.  I told Him then I didn’t want to miss Him --or anything He wanted to do-- in that desperate time and He was faithful to answer my prayer.  He was FULL to brimming around me and in me-- maybe to the point that I haven’t experienced since.

One morning years ago in the midst of all the waiting, Psalm 136 did a little dance on the page.  It’s that Psalm where it starts with “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good” and every other line is “and His love endures forever”.  And with resignation-- and hope, I wrote this on an index card because this is where my heart was,  “We may never have close friends, but His love endures forever. We may never be financially comfortable, but His love endures forever.  We may never have a great church, but His love endures forever.  {And this one the hardest to write-- I remember oh so clearly the morning I did it.}  We may never have children, but His love endures forever.”   I wrote it down-- in black and white.  And posted it up.  That was where I needed to rest.  There is where I needed to abide.  All of these things I wanted, but He needed me to BELIEVE that if none of this ever happened, that He’d be enough and I’d be satisfied.  And that I wouldn’t be disappointed.  Ultimately.

So if you find yourself waiting for your first baby, your second or third-- or even a husband to begin this whole process, I encourage you to put your fears in black and white and surround them, top and bottom, side to side with the Truth of “His love endures forever”.  Or with any Truth that soothes your soul.  Some other ones I held onto were Jeremiah 32:27, “I am the God of all mankind.  Is anything too hard for me?”  Psalm 119:75 “Lord, I trust in You alone. You are the God who always does what is right!”  If I didn’t believe He always did the right thing, what did I have?  I would only have my guessing, my wondering, my what ifs.  And that’s a miserable place to be.  

Last thing--press into Him.  And that’s not just some spiritual cliche-- if you are barren, you know what I mean. PRESS. You need Him.  And He wants you.  All of you. He wants your heart, your emotions, your desperation, your grief, your anger, your disappointment, your confusion, your depression, your broken heart...... If you can’t do anything else, HOLD ON to the FACT that God is good and that HE always has your best in mind.  Take a walk through the Psalms- “He is good and His love endures forever.”  He says it over and over and over.  Because, I think, He wanted us to be SURE of that because He knew our present realities would try to convince us otherwise.

 He. Is. Good.

Press in and give thanks for your barrenness.  Let Him fill it with Himself.

Family Talk {A little update on B}

Before school this morning, Brighton was on the couch with one of these.  The orange one, in fact, flipping through the pages of 2010-2011. Our family’s 2010-2011. I sat down beside him and he said, “I like looking at the pictures.”  He pointed at a few and laughed and as he saw a couple of his 3-D art creations, he promptly asked, “Where is that?”  I had to laugh and change the subject by pointing at a different picture wondering what wonderful new recycled life his Dallas Cowboy Stadium was enjoying.

I am so grateful for the technology that allows us to have those little books-- to be able to bind together stories and pictures and memories that we can thumb through from time to time and remember.  I forget so much.  And it’s all happening so fast.  Yesterday, Jeff was out of town so instead of dropping B by Jeff’s office at the end of his work day, he had to make a grocery run with me.  I only had a quick stop to make at Central Market to get tortillas.  If you know CM’s tortillas, you understand.  If you don’t, trust me.  It’s worth one stop for one thing.  And at that time of day they are usually warm.  And they were.  As soon as we got to the car, we opened up the little plastic bag and we watched the steam rise.  You have to have one while they are warm.  As B bit into his, he said something like, “What would this world be without warm tortillas?”  It may have been the only good moment we had together yesterday.  Seriously.  But you know, I’ll take it and I don’t want to forget it.  Yesterday, I was thankful for a rare common thought.

Both of the kids are really changing.... growing up is what I need to call it.  And face it.  Brighton, at 9, craves time with Jeff.  In fact, B thinks every second Jeff has off should revolve around him and what “fun” they are going to have together.  He cannot get enough of his dad.  They enjoy skeet shooting, the batting cages, fishing, eating breakfast out, getting hair cuts, throwing the baseball, playing PIG {short game of HORSE},  and baseball {or anything} on the Wii. We are thankful but at the same time trying to find a balance of Brighton simply joining in what Jeff is doing and doing the “fun” things Brighton wants to do-- and dealing with the responses that go along with that.  Our discussions with him are a little more involved because he so emotionally in tune that he asks about things are hard to explain or things that require a little more digging.  As he matures, he understands more and can put better words to how he sees things and feels things-- which can be really neat or really draining.  We must be firing on all cylinders to stay in it with him.  He’s good for us.

He dreams big.  His latest thing is, “I think God made me for football.”  I just love this about our boy.  He’s never played a day in his life, but he keeps saying this.  I see what’s coming.  He will play football because he is determined, just like a month ago when he was determined to sell lemonade.  We had flown in from Atlanta early one Wednesday morning and I needed to sleep before I left for work.  So while I slept, he sold $12 worth of lemonade in our front yard on a fairly busy street.  I knew nothing until I woke up.  As he gets older, I see him thinking up all sorts of opportunities, focusing on one and diving in.  And then another.  And then another.  His plans and dreams will only get bigger, possibly more disappointing or more successful.  As his parents we need to teach and model what it looks like to delight in the Lord, so B’s dreams line up with God’s dreams and so he gets to experience the desires of his heart.   {Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4}

When I woke him up this morning, I noticed how his pajamas were too snug.  His bed even looked too small.  He is wider than he used to be-- and taller.  He needs new school pants but I am holding out to the end of May, hoping his shorts from the fall can still be buttoned... comfortably.  He’s a perfect size but I am amazed at times, this big, heavy boy is mine.

And time is moving much too fast.

Learning a New Language......Still

We all have so much, yes?  In every way.  I don’t give thanks near enough.  The pretty notebook sits on my kitchen counter begging to be tickled by pencil or pen, calling me to write the gifts down before they are forgotten, -- the dryer buzzer goes off, a child needs help with a math problem, a text comes in, my coffee is hot in the microwave... again... and I forget.  I’ve been encouraged for years by Jeff to seek out the good things in my life, my kids, my home, my marriage and when Ann Voskamp’s book came out a couple of years ago, it was just the final push I needed.  Because of what I know about giving thanks and the joy it brings, I have thought about it a lot as I have enjoyed this discipling relationship with Mrs. Horton.  One of the first ways I was challenged by the material was the question, “If I live today in obedience to this biblical truth {whatever I have read that day, or what I know to be true}, how will my life be different?”  Don’t read Philippians if you want to keep coasting-- or just don’t ask yourself that question.  Anyway.... just to take one verse.... I thought, if I take Philippians 2:14 seriously,  how would my life be different?  “Do everything without grumbling or arguing.”  Really?  That sounds awfully harsh.  I mean, I've got two kids and a dog and cooler sitting in my dining room because we really don't know where else to put it.  It’s fun to whine just a little bit, but it says “without”.  This won’t surprise you at all, but I haven’t talked near as much as I normally would have over these last few weeks.  I’ve certainly complained recently but I am much more aware of my sin {and the wisdom in asking forgiveness immediately} and how it affects anyone who hears and how it disrupts my own contentment.  Today, I feel the need to document some gratefulness.  I’ve got words stored up I haven’t used!

BLUEPRINTS!!

Words seem shallow to express my thankfulness to have a church home now.  When a form asks me "church home", I can answer with confidence. Thrilled to be a part of the body of Christ in Fort Worth.  Watermark -- joining great churches in our city in order to share the gospel.  There can never be too many avenues for that.

 I love it when we get to spend time with family in Georgia.  The kids love their cousins.

I was so glad to see RJ had HAIR again when he took off his batting helmet during his game!  They are showing off "hat hair".

That we got to see RJ's college apartment-- love being able to picture where he is

Love Julia's face

my kids experiencing the thrill of the catch-- and RJ's patience

Add caption

That these girls {cousins} enjoy each other SO much

Fred Cauble's vision for the Tarrant NET banquet-- wow -- the cake was only the beginning of creativity

"Miss H"-- my first Read 2 Win student.  She TOTALLY stole the show!!!

That I've known this girl long enough to be embarrassed of my hair style when we came across this old picture!!  I have no idea.

That we were able to SQUEEZE the piano in  -- and practicing piano can be scary and dangerous, thus the stuffed animal and batting helmet....

That Jeff makes sure this always gets done

He's always so proud of his eggs.

 This girl in my kitchen--- three of us were cooking and we all had about 2 feet of counter/table to ourselves.

Annual Easter pictures- NO RAIN!!!

I had to include this one from just a few years ago... the passed their roles to the little girls this year.

A zillion thanks over these few pictures-- sweet friends, something to truly celebrate, kids having a ball enjoying each other, traditions, fellowship, and memory after memory

Julia's heart to bless these girls with little homemade gifts

"Mr. R" who steals my heart every week-- he is doing SUPER.

FOUR Read2Win reading coaches in the hall at the school I help in

And a few more.....marriage conferences, Valentines from kids, Jessica's God stories and how I am challenged, inspired and encouraged by them, ice skating with the Andersons just because we can, no homework weekends, “favorite things”, laughing SO hard with good friends- husbands and wives, cooking with TJ, Seder Meal, Mrs. Horton, study halls with friends, track time/river time with the Cheeks, birds splashing in the sunshine, breakfast with Kathie, weekend with Julia, better school days, new music,  the privilege of encouraging someone, Craig's List date nights (yes, you read that right), Nik's Greek meal, Leslie's stories-- especially about a pig named Tocina, and baseball season and so much more...

I want to change my language.  With the Holy Spirit empowering me, I pray thankfulness is spoken more than anything else.  It's the language I want to pass down to my kids.