Julia's Birthday Letter 2012

This morning of your 10th birthday, I was reading the One Year Bible entry for today, January 24th.   A part of the psalm for the day reads like this:

May he give you the desire of your heart 
   and make all your plans succeed. 
May we shout for joy over your victory 
   and lift up our banners in the name of our God.
  May the LORD grant all your requests.  Psalm 20:4-5

I noticed a date scratched by Psalm 20 in my Bible.  On August 15, 2002, Denise and her family sent a huge bouquet of beautiful roses to me with these verses on the card.  They were celebrating with us because a birthmother had chosen us to adopt her baby.  But that baby was someone else’s.  God was working His ways to get you to us.  Almost two months later, we found out about you and we certainly “lift[ed] up our banners in the name of our God.”  Denise had no idea when she put those words on the card that I’d potentially read them every time YOU had a birthday! Now EVERY January 24, I am reminded how He gave us the desire of our hearts and that He granted our request..... to be parents.  We were astounded by His grace towards us and thus, your middle name, Karis {charis- grace that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness}.  You are all of that.

So, you are TEN today.  Your brother is most impressed with those double digits and has practiced already a few times, “My sister is ten.”  No matter how hard your Daddy and I try, we cannot stop this thing called “birthday”.  It comes every year.  The brick on your head fell off a long time ago and was replaced by a string that pulls you up and up and up, ever so gracefully.  I see the gracefulness physically but I am most excited about the grace I see in your spirit.  You bless me with it daily and I am a better mom for it.  I watch you depending on the Lord to help you be a patient big sister to your brother and I hear you asking for forgiveness when you fail.  I see you extending forgiveness to others when it’s really, really hard.  My prayer is that you would find Jesus to be “it” for you all your days, that He would be all that satisfies you and that you will trust Him to give you the desires of your heart.

There is so much to love about you.  Even though I know I don’t act like I value your silliness, I do.  I love to see you being 10, being free and being yourself.  I love to watch you play the piano, perform ballets on stage or in your room with friends, and make up stories outside.   I love to see you hugging on B, helping each other with chores or school work.  I love to watch you delighting in your Daddy’s love for you.  Your heart is on your sleeve and we are all blessed by that.  Here is my short list of “loves” about you.

Top Ten Things I Love About You

10.  Your favorite food is Mexican.

9.  You like to win.

8.  You appreciate deferred gratification and often choose it.

7.  You love a good tale and spend many hours reading good words and listening to stories far into the night.

6.  You are a saver for yourself and a spender on others.

5.  You value all things “home”.

4.  You treasure your friendships and each relationship brings you much joy.

3.  You have compassion for hurting people and those in need.

2.  You are ever so quick to forgive. {for the same offense a zillion times...}

1.  Your heart belongs to Jesus and now you have the adventure of following Him the rest of your days.

I am proud to call you my sister in Christ.

Happy Birthday, Julia Karis Sanders.

Goodbye 9 and hello 10!!!

Gifts #1059-1076

lake houses

Jeff and I being a part of his life a thousand miles away

long slipper days

Jeff’s eye on the future

encouraging words to spur me on

that I said, “Go for it!”

baby clothes

a good Monday

lyrics that bless me

homemade “Welcome Home” sign taped to garage door

“favorite things” shared with me

knowing my parents are home safe

friends willing to be absolutely interrupted

11th dozen of roses from Blake to remember her birthday

that the girl from 8/15/2002 changed her mind

that He has given us 10 years with her

So, How’s It Going?

I get that question a lot.  And most every time, someone is asking about school- mostly fellow home school moms, which, by the way, have an ever increasing value to me with each year.  I am so grateful for them.  Usually, I don’t like the question because usually, I don’t like the first answer that pops into my head because usually it seems I get asked this question after a really hard day.  Incidentally, I am figuring out that “hard days” mostly have to do with me and my responses to Julia and Brighton’s being on the planet for only 10 and 8 years, respectively.  They do very 10-ish and 8-ish year old things.  Bottom line:  My response should be more gracious and understanding to their plight of being 10 and 8.  But that’s for another day.

Moving on...

Four months in, we have a good schedule that gets the necessities in before Julia’s 12 o’clock online history class.  Brighton has one too but his is not “live”.  The great thing is is that they both really love those classes, so I feel we are getting a healthy education on early Greece and Rome.  Brighton has been counting down the weeks until he gets to Alexander the Great.  Grammar throws us all off kilter as I hardly remember learning any of it the first time around but we are surviving but at the same time I find myself wondering, if I haven’t heard the term “verb-transitive- since 4th grade, why do we need to know that?  Of course we do math and I add in the electives I choose for my favorite part of the day~ “line time”, but as they are getting older, the work they do gets more difficult and it takes longer.  They are only 4th and 2nd graders but I am already missing the “early years”.

First day of school 2008

Gone are the days of reading a dozen picture books to Julia on the window seat, after I had to help her up onto it.  Sigh.  Gone are the days of math lessons taking about 5 minutes which usually involved brightly colored manipulatives.  Gone are the days of 3 and 4 letter words on spelling tests.  Gone are the days of weekly outings to Starbucks school. {It’s just a bigger production now, too “LOOK-AT-WHAT-WE-ARE-DOING!”}    Gone are the days of my saying, “Oh, we will get to that eventually.”  {“Eventually” is here.}  Gone are the days of being finished {homework and all} by noon.  Gone are the days of only spelling tests on Fridays.  There is much I miss.

So what about now?  What am I seeing now that gone is truly gone? What am I thankful for now when I wish we could just crawl up on the window seat with Goldfish, rearrange pillows and read picture books?

Julia reading historical fiction on her own just because she wants to {this happens to Brighton.... as often as a total eclipse}
Learning about honoring and respecting each other when they really want to just fight
Making decisions about having an efficient and a hard work ethic
Locating on a map countries of which I had never heard and knowing God’s Spirit is working there too
Seeing me get rattled and how I handle that with them
Finding out what it really means to serve your family even when you don’t feel like it
Figuring out that grades do matter
Their realizing that the world is SO much larger than what they see and there are needs out there that are stag-ger-ing
Learning that, even though he is not directly involved, our school days are just as important to their daddy as they are to me
Figuring out that team work is cool
Having real conversations about real situations that shape, hurt, challenge, encourage, and inspire their hearts... and that would be what I am most thankful for... the time for that

I also know there is much to look forward to... whether I am still teaching them at home or not.  As they get older, there is more I want to share, more that I can expose them to, world event links to click on, incredible books I want to dive into with them, more topics to discuss, and truths to explore from different vantage points as their world gets larger.

Words to refocus my thoughts..

I’d say it was going well.  The hard days, even though they zap my energy and even make me sad, I know good stuff is being learned, stuff that will serve them well in the cul de sac, at school, in the baseball dugout or on the field, at church, in the ballet dressing room, at spend the night parties, in future jobs, at college, and, most importantly, in the plans and purposes that God has for my children.

I love these two kids and feel like I won the most competitive contest of all contests to get these two, even though I did NOTHING.  God.  I choose to rest in the fact that God holds their hearts and if He can orchestrate getting them to me and Jeff, getting me to say “yes” to homeschooling and getting us through five years of it so far, He can also, most assuredly, carry out the rest of His plan.  I will choose to rest in that.

I will.

1040-1058

friends who know me

Jeff’s humor

kisses in the school room

that daddy met a fellow Veteran in Viet Nam, enabling him to share stories and remember the most difficult time in his life

that in Viet Nam where, years ago, he saw such hate and violence, last week, the kindergarten children called him “Grandpa”

space heaters

sweetness pinned up on the school room wall

grace gifts in the form of friends

Emily Freeman’s writing~ her book, Grace for the Good Girl and her blog, Chatting at the Sky {And while I am at it.... this week, Larry Crabb, Elyse Fitzpatrick, Ann Voskamp}

gorgeous Saturday afternoon at Mainstay Farm with dear friends

pockets of time from Jeff

pictures from Daddy in my inbox EVERYday

rodeo tickets from our neighbors {Thank you, Hal and Carmen!}

that Emily is an amazing listener {!!!}

spiritual birthdays

anticipating time with friends

song from a friend that helps me persevere in my story

that His purposes for Julia and Brighton are more important to Him than they are even to me

that I can rest because, really, it has nothing to do with me

How Sweet It Is {Part 1}

I was only nineteen the first time I saw him.  After finishing my finals only a couple of days before, I had packed my car for the summer break not having a clue that over the next few days, pieces would fall into place that would shape my next several decades.  That afternoon driving out of Athens, the only things on my mind were the excitement of being finished with finals, the anticipation of getting to hang out with one of my mentors, Jill...... and probably the car in front of me.  We were both planning on serving at a camp for high school students the next week so we planned a little bit of time together before the rest of the volunteers arrived.

At school I had been spending time with a young man, David, who was following after God but I was figuring out that my heart wasn’t his.  Or was I just confused?  Nineteen and confused-- something tells me now that is teenage typical.  I was not “on the look out” for guys at this camp.  I was excited about being with Jill and my church family who would drive up to Toccoa Falls College to be a part of Impact.  I’d figure David out when I got back home.

When all the staff and volunteers arrived, it didn’t take me long to see him.  He was taller than most, larger than most and definitely more handsome than all.  Frankly, I thought he was better looking than any boy I had ever seen. Ever. Immediately, my skeptical voices started their monologues.  “He can’t be that cute and love Jesus.  He’s just here killing time during his summer.  He’s looking for a girlfriend.  How lame is that?”  Judgmental and petty?  Absolutely.  Meet Krista Leigh Dennard at 19.  His youth minister who introduced him to the entire group didn’t help, “This is Jeff Sanders, my youth intern for the summer.  He plays college football............and ladies............he’s available!!”  My eyes rolled almost to the point of no return.  However, I was intrigued.  My curiosity drove me to ask a couple of people about him....... under the disguise of my interest in college football.  Then, nonchalantly, I could tag a personal question or two at the end.  All reports were shining.  Definitely intrigued.

How I wish I remembered our first interactions but I do remember liking his personality immediately.  He was a kidder, but serious about why he was there.  He had a community around him that he had obviously invested in and who had invested in him.  As the week progressed, I watched him with the kids and there was a hoard of them around him all week.  I noticed he was a little uncomfortable with that and he never let the attention linger on him.  As I got to have more conversations with him, I sensed his relationship with the Lord had dimensions that I had not explored.  And since it was unfamiliar, insecurities surfaced and I wondered if this friendship was worth it, yet the intrigue remained.  I wanted him to think just like me and to have the same convictions I had.  He didn’t.  And he didn’t pretend to.

But knowing him for only 6 days was like a boulder being thrown into the middle of my placid pond of a life.  God knew it would.  I was all messed up.  I stopped at a bookstore on the way home and purchased the book Jeff told me he was reading and that he thought I would enjoy.  No Wonder They Call Him the Savior by Max Lucado {yes, he’s been writing books for that long}  Driving towards home through the pine trees in my little gray car, I had my first thoughts of “He might be THE ONE.”  Whoa.  That was big, especially when I knew he didn’t meet all my “pre-requisites”.  {And no, I cannot reveal all of those.  Too embarrassed.  Even if I was just 19. Let’s just say, James Taylor was a problem.}  I ate dinner with my family revealing just enough about Jeff that made my Momma flinch-- she really liked David.  I let her know I just wanted to go to bed and that if David called, to tell him that I would call him tomorrow.  Just like any self respecting mother, she woke me up when he called and I, as kindly as I could, broke up with him and went back to bed.  I knew my heart wasn’t his.

I devoured the book and was challenged by the way Jesus was portrayed in the book.  I didn’t know who “Max Lucado” was and, at that stage of my life, I was leery if he wasn’t Southern Baptist affiliated.  How could he know Jesus like that?  Did he even go to Sunday School at 9:45 a.m?  I bet he listened to J.T.  But from a man, who said things like this, I didn’t care.

“You think, he would love you more if you hadn’t done it, right? You think he would love you more if you did more, right? You think if you were better, his love would be deeper, right?

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

His love is not human. His love is not normal. His love sees your sin and loves you still. Does he approve of your error? No. Do you need to repent? Yes. But do you repent for his sake or yours? Yours. His ego needs no apology. His love needs no bolstering.

And he could not love you more than he does right now.”

So, at 19, that is what I needed to know and feel in my heart.  Oh, sure, I had read things like it before, but all my comfortable rules had been written over it so many times, I couldn’t make it out any more.  He loved me, period.  No matter what.  This GRACE He'd been slathering me in all my life is what I saw in Jeff.  This twenty year old I’d known for only a week LIVED in it.  I knew about it, but Jeff LIVED in it.  He was attractive, no doubt, but grace is what drew me in.  Grace is what I sensed, what I heard in our conversations, what I experienced in our friendship and what I needed desperately.

And at 41, I have to be careful that His unconditional love for me doesn’t get buried under all my expectations of myself.... and of other people.  God has had me in a review course for the last year or more~ reminding me of the foundation He’s had me on all this time, the identity I have carried all this time, whose image He made me in, the thoughts He has towards me no matter what, and the delight He experiences because of me.  Wow.  Wow.  Delight.

Jeff knew at 20 that this 19 year old who had a very strong Southern accent,  who loved Jesus, and who thought she had it all together needed to be refreshed with grace.

I will be..... forever...... grateful.

#75.... is he not THE cutest??  But it was grace, I promise.

{Jeff and I are celebrating 20 years in August and he has already kicked off the party in his own creative ways.  I am hoping to post something once a month until August regarding Jeff and our marriage~ praying the Lord leads.}  

{Gifts #1015- 1039}

first crackles of a fire

a nap

date night

sweet “Hey Tells” from Julia during a crazy night at work

Brighton spending his money on his sister

marks on the pantry door

lessons learned in the cul de sac

winter hats that make us laugh {Thanks, Meghan!}

sunny January days

Legos clicking in the quiet

letters from Jeff

B’s pj’s.....too short

talks that went well {at least I thought so}

school room ready

Julia’s doggie ears in the Gospel for Asia catalog

brownies with Andrea in her backyard

baseballs in my front yard

boys together

Jeff’s celebration know-how... and how special I feel

opportunities that blow my mind

a new playlist

B bursting in the door with neighborly hand me downs praising the Lord, “ ‘Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good and His love endures forever!’  Now you don’t have to go to Target, Mom!!”

unsolicited prayers

rain

that I went to Impact, June 1990

From the Backseat #19 "Too Much"

Kids have a way of spicing up simple, mindless errands.  When you think a trip to the grocery store will be, well, a trip to the grocery store, it turns into an excavation of things buried deep and you can’t quit thinking about for days...weeks.  Julia was re-reading a book and Brighton was playing his usual role of “filler of car with words”.  Key words like “God” and “heaven” registered with me so I started listening  asking questions.

Me {engaged Mom} - “What do you want to know about heaven?”
B - “You know, Mom.  EVERYthing.  But, will I talk to God?  Can I ask Him questions?”
Me - “Of course, B.  One thing you’ll be happy to hear is that God will never tire of all your questions.”


He paused.  I must mention his pause because it speaks volumes.  Brainwaves spazzing.


B- “You mean He would never say, ‘That’s enough for one day.’ or ‘No more questions.’?  Will He really answer all of them?”
Me- “Yes and gladly.  He will and He will never say, ‘That’s enough’.”

Again, that stopped his mouth because he had to think about that.  That was big.  He repeated the good news again for me to affirm.  He liked that.  A lot.  His response made me chuckle and wince and I certainly haven’t forgotten what those words mean for me.

God will never say to me, “That’s enough.”  I am never too much for Him.  I will never bug Him or bother Him.  I’ve worked hard all my life to NOT be “too much” for anyone.  People don’t like being with people who are “too much” and, well, I want people to like me.  I want to be easy.  We all value easy people~ those people who aren’t too much trouble, who don’t require too much of our time, too much of our energy, physically, spiritually, emotionally or even those we feel “too much” is going well for them.  Jealousy creeps in and even their good things can be reason for aversion at times.

I have feared the scenario of what might happen if my neediness {or even my happiness} became too much for a friend?  For my family?  For Jeff?  To push someone where they just throw their hands up and say, “That’s enough! I can’t do this anymore!” or worse, shut down, without notice.  I have feared that. I think this means that there have been times I have feared the rejection of people over the value of letting my needs or emotions be known.  That’s a problem.  Solely mine.

But you know what?  Sometimes I am too much.  Because sometimes life SEEMS too much.  And sometimes I talk too much.  People, even loved ones, have the option to steer clear, change the subject, or not answer the phone call and should have the freedom to do so.  And for the record, I have the best friends on the planet.  I’d put my last cup of coffee on it but they live down here too.  They’ve got stuff too.  They can’t always take on or even listen to more stuff, but most of the time they do, sacrificially.  The freeing news is that God, in His kindness, can always handle us and our stuff.  Every time.  Perfectly.  Always.

He ALWAYS chooses me~ my whining, my losses, my celebrations, my sadness, my complaining, my demands, my “I’m so happy right now!”, my desperation, my massive neediness.

 My “too much-ness”.

He’ll never say, “That’s enough for one day.”

Because He loves me.