Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Thirteen Years Later

Almost 13 years later, He is still showing me He was near.

Mid spring as school was winding down and as the calendar was winding into a tail spin,  the days were seeming longer and longer.  We were all longing for summer- for some kind of break.  From the alarm, from deadlines, from bad news on RenWeb, from searching for assignments, from each other…..  I felt like wearing black and white stripes everyday thinking it might make me more powerful in what seemed to be my consistent role of officiating Julia and Brighton’s hot squabbles.  Depending on how many times I hit the snooze, I was breaking open the Word for some amount of time and laying my requests before Him.  I sat many mornings not seeming to connect,  disgruntled within myself, wondering if He would lift the weight.  Wondering if He would make any difference.


As I put one foot in front of the other.

On my office floor, I opened Streams of the Desert to the April date and read, “Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”  {Romans 4:20-21}  I smiled remembering how over and over I said that verse to myself, like tracing the letters with my fingers to make sure it really did say what I thought it did.   Then, thirteen years ago, I was waiting on a baby.  My first one.  Coming in a way I had not expected.  I had found out my baby making insides were covered in endometriosis and the chances of pregnancy were very, very slim- at least in the methods we were willing to try.  So, we gave our hearts over to adoption— and any control we thought we had to the Lord.  Early on, He had shown me Psalm 113:9, “He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.  Praise the Lord.”  And even though I knew that verse could mean a few things, I felt like He was clear with me that I would indeed be a mother.  So Romans 4:20-21 was oxygen to all the Scriptures I read during the waiting on my first born.  He was kind to put so many on my heart.

This spring, He wanted me to see something more.  I’ve said this before, but for some reason, He chose to use the Scriptures {and the commentary} of the classic devotional Streams in the Desert during the time— and I have documented this well here— I was waiting on Him to make Jeff and me parents.  The sweet women who had befriended me, loved me and prayed for me all read it and one gave me a copy for my 30th birthday.  This particular morning in April 2014, I realized this verse {Romans 4:20-21} was on an entry within 4-5 days of Julia’s conception.  9 months before her birth.  I began looking at the verses a couple of days before and a couple of days after—the time of Julia’s conception, taking place far away from me but reading these He was showing me He was near.

The hand of the Lord has done this.  Job 12:9

He will do this.  Psalm 37:5

Stand firm  and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.  Exodus 14:13

“Not by might, nor by power but by my Spirit,” says the Lord Almighty.

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.  Romans 4:20-21

He knows the way that I take. Job 23:10

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life.  Psalm 138:7

And exactly 9 months from her birth…..

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

He was near.  And I didn’t even know it.

How do I ever think He’s not listening to me or that He’s removed somehow from my dailies?  Why do I ever think He won’t come through for me in those hair-raising parenting moments when I wonder if I am really cut out for the job?  Why do I think for one minute I am on my own?  Or that, “I’ve got this”?

I’m a dummy.

Here He is some thirteen years later, revealing to me how He was bolstering my heart with His Word as Julia was being knitted together in her birthmother’s womb.  Showing me how He was covering it all with love through His Word when we didn’t even know to be looking for it......  Weaving together a beautiful story that reminds me of how He is intimately involved in every detail of my life......  Reminding me of His track record of faithfulness..... Strengthening my resolve to trust Him all the more.

He is near.

All I can think of to say to Him is, “Thank You and please, please don’t stop.”


Alyssa said...

I love that you were able to trace this back and see His hand over the entire time! And thank you for sharing those powerful verses!

Kelly said...

Ah...His marvelous Word! A flavor to the heart when there is nothing else that will satisfy, He is faithful. You are doing a great job Mom/ Ref!

Elaine said...

Such a sweet story of His faithfulness. Thanks for sharing!